Beer Congress to Ban Conservative Books | Opinion | Salt Lake Metropolis


Fed up with the fake piety of Utah’s conservative lawmakers, a bunch of beer drinkers lashed collectively an Alternative Congress to proper wrongs and undermine stupidity. These barley swillers distilled a bicameral physique—the House convened at Junior’s Tavern, whereas the Senate got here to order (extra of much less) at Dick N Dixies.

At the highest of the agenda have been books to be banned that comprise heinous materials that might pervert the minds of adults. “Capitalism and Freedom” by Milton Friedman was focused by the India Pale Ale Caucus as a result of it is a blueprint for the wealthy to get richer whereas screwing employees. “The Conservative Intellectual Movement In America” by George H. Nash was marked up as a result of the title, itself, is an oxymoron—e.g. Burgess Owens, Jim Jordan, Tom Cotton, and many others.. “The Gov’t Shouldn’t Give Cadillacs and Furs to Black People” by Ronald Reagan additionally made the record as a result of “Reaganomics” is the magical pondering that led us down the Yellow Brick Road to revenue inequality. But a last-minute maneuver by the Pilsner Coalition, citing Henry Miller’s “The Tropic of Cancer” and “Lolita” by Vladimir Nabokov, kicked book-banning again to the Stout Subcommittee based mostly on the truism that banning books simply makes them extra widespread. Bottoms-up!

Pro-Pedophiles within the GOP Dog House
Just as a result of there isn’t a basement at Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in Washington D.C. does’t imply Democrats did not have a world baby intercourse trafficking operation beneath the pizza ovens. It’s as plain as day that Bill and Hillary and all Democrats are pedophiles—or that Republicans will stoop to something as a way to titillate their kinky base and paint progressives as followers of a sex-crazed beelzebub.

Ketanji Brown Jackson, the brand new U.S. Supreme Court justice, was truly an enabler of pedophiles and picked up and offered playing cards with baby porn on them, in line with Republican Sens. Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz. Like baseball playing cards, they are a profitable business—largely dominated by Democrats.

Hawley and Cruz pressed Jackson on why she hated defenseless youngsters and cherished pedophiles a lot. So when GOP sens. Lisa Murkowski, Mitt Romney and Susan Collins mentioned they might vote for Jackson, Rep. Majorie Taylor Green labeled them “pro-pedophile,” which, in flip, led Hawley to attempt to un-ring the pedophile bell. He by no means, ever mentioned, “pedophile, pedophile, pedophile,” and did not know for certain whether or not all Democrats rape youngsters and publish on Instagram. None of it’s true, in fact, however so what? It’s politics, Republican type. Get used to it.

Hey Satan, Where’s the Good Stuff?
When Ken Burns involves city you understand feathers are gonna fly. He retains making documentaries that dredge up information and truths that may put folks on edge—particularly the individuals who might have been pulling the feathers over our eyes.

Well, maintain onto your “Pearl of Great Price,” as a result of Burns has been sniffing round The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its ongoing battle with … await it … that is proper, Satan.

In an epistle for The Salt Lake Tribune, Burns notes that “the devil has been used as a political and theological figure in LDS discourse.” But—and here is the kicker—Satan’s needs have shifted over time. As Burns defined it, Satan as soon as pushed for interracial marriage and jobs for ladies—issues the church fought in opposition to tooth and nail. But oddly, the satan does not care about these issues now that the outdated white males in The Tower of Power have accepted them.

Then Burns dropped the hammer: “Given LDS assertions that good and evil are fixed and immutable, how could Satan’s political interests have changed so dramatically?” DO NOT LOOK AT THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!

Something is rotten at Temple Square and it could possibly be that bastard Satan or perhaps … Well, by no means thoughts.

Postscript—That’s nearly it for one more week right here at Smart Bomb, the place we will not outline “woman,” however we all know one once we see one. OK Wilson, inform the fellows within the band to chill it—for cryin’ out loud.

Anyhow, the Mormons appear to have a Satan drawback however alternatively, the place would Christianity be with out the satan? Our researchers right here at Smart Bomb have but to make a direct connection to Satan on this one, however the Trumpists appear to have a Donny Jr. drawback. Looks just like the prince-in-waiting despatched a textual content final 12 months to then-White House chief of workers Mark Meadows on tips on how to seize the presidency after Big Daddy’s loss on the polls.

“It’s very simple,” Donny mentioned. “There are multiple paths and we control them all.” Well, not precisely.

And talking of Satan, Tucker “the Angel of Anger” Carlson is throughout Utah Gov. Spencer Cox for his veto of Utah’s new anti-trans women soccer legislation. The veto was overridden by Republicans within the Legislature however that did not cease Carlson from questioning Cox’s manhood. (We child you not.) “Spencer Cox identifies as a male, at least to some limited extent. Now, Cox could have cleared up that mystery a lot more quickly, simply by declaring, ‘I’m a man.’ …” Well, think about the supply—Carlson additionally thinks Vladimir Putin is a cool dude. ‘Nuff mentioned.

It does not seem like Satan goes out of enterprise anytime quickly, regardless of the LDS Church. Yep, outdated beelzebub has been busy recently and he appears to have a lot of helpers. So let’s give him his due, Wilson—choose it:

Please enable me to introduce myself
I’m a person of wealth and style
I’ve been round for an extended, lengthy 12 months
Stole many a person’s soul and religion

I used to be ‘spherical when Jesus Christ
Had his second of doubt and ache
Made rattling certain that Pilate
Washed his palms and sealed his destiny

Pleased to fulfill you
Hope you guess my identify
But what’s puzzling you
Is the character of my sport

I caught round St. Petersburg
When I noticed it was a time for a change
Killed the Tzar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in useless

I rode a tank
Held a basic’s rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the our bodies stank

Let me please introduce myself
I’m a person of wealth and style
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed earlier than they attain Bombay

So for those who meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and a few style
Use all of your well-learned politesse
Or I’ll lay your soul to waste

Tell me child, what’s my identify
Tell me honey, can ya guess my identify
Ooo, who, who ooo, who, who
“Sympathy for the Devil”—The Rolling Stones

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